How to share your struggle with pornography

Sharing your struggle with pornography is one of the most important steps you can take in breaking your habit with pornography.

It is important for a few reasons:

sharing your story requires lots of courage and doing so, strengthens your resolve,
shining light on the subject reduces the allure of doing something that is hidden or secret, and
it opens the door for future conversations about your struggle – allowing you or that person to bring it up again without the fear and anxiety

Sharing your struggle is also one of the most challenging things you will do in the process of getting free from porn – how do you find a person to talk to about this, how does the conversation go, what if it doesn’t work out. All of these are important to think through, so this is how to share your struggle with pornography.

Finding the person

So how do you find a person to share your struggle with pornography with anyway? And what qualities should I look for?

Qualities of the person

Here are some of qualities that are helpful for the person you are looking for

They should be gracious; having a kind and humble spirit,
Be an old soul; someone who has an understanding that life is hard at times,
Not judgmental; understands that people fail and that folks get tripped up by things,
A good listener; someone who is not always jumping in and offering suggestions or trying to fix it, and lastly,
Have empathy; someone who has seen some trouble or had some struggle in their lives will most likely allow them relate to your struggles

After reading that list, you might have a few folks already in mind; that’s great.

How to find them

You might find that it is a bit of challenge depending on how socially connected you are. I would like to note two things:

You probably do not want this person to be your spouse or significant other, and
I HIGHLY recommend (I cannot emphasize that enough) they should be a person of the same sex.

Btw, I am not saying that you won’t need to come clean with your spouse, but that is completely different than finding someone you can talk to about it.

If you’re a church goer or have some other social group you belong to. Try

Talking to a pastor, or other leader, to get a recommendation, is encouraged. A simple ask of, “I am looking for someone to share some struggles I am having in life and wondering if there is someone you’d recommend for me. I am not looking for a long term thing but I would be fine if it worked out that way.”
Be clear that you are having a struggle and not just looking friend. It may turn out that the person you are asking is the person you want to share with. If not, and asked about what’s going on, you can simply say, “I don’t feel comfortable sharing right now, I’m more looking for a few recommendations at this point.”
Lastly, notice I put the time frame there. First, it helps the recommender to find someone if they don’t have someone in mind immediately – asking someone to connect with another person indefinitely can be a concern for the person volunteering. In any case, this is a benefit to both of you, as it gives you and the volunteer an out if it’s not working

If you’re less socially up for an in-person meeting, consider

Identifying persons in Facebook groups or Reddit sub-reddits that show the qualities listed above in their posts.
Connect casually with a “Hey man, I really like how you post – thanks.”
If they get back you, then engage with the searching question, “I am looking for someone to share some struggles I am having in life and wondering if you would be up for connecting on Zoom (or other video call service) for 30 minutes, or maybe there is someone you’d recommend for me. I am not looking for a long term thing but I would be fine if it worked out that way.”

Lastly, if you are still having difficulties identifying a person, there are paid coaching services that you can set up one-on-one calls with to discuss your struggles and potentially get some advice on some good next steps for you. One I would recommend (not affiliated) is “Into the Wilderness” by Timothy Reigle. You can schedule an appointment to speak with him at https://intothewildernessblog.com/coaching/.

Engaging that person

The initial contact

Ok, so you’ve identified a couple of people that you think could work. Through whatever medium you chose (face-to-face is always best), the following:

Introduce yourself: “Hey {person’s name}, I am {your name}. I have been looking for someone who I share some stuff that is going on in my life.”
Tell them how were you connected: “{so and so} recommended I reach out to you.” or a “I appreciate that you got back to me from {wherever it was that you connected}.”
Then make a proposal to meet: “would you be interested in getting together for 30 minutes to chat, at a coffee shop, or over zoom (or however else)?” — pick one or more that make sense for your situation

The meeting

Be happy to meet them and thank them for meeting you
Have some casual conversation first – quickly tell them about yourself – where you are from, what you do, do you have family or married or have children
Allow them to reply
Segue into your struggle (the above should be less than 10 mins) – do not linger there and squander this opportunity.
- Start with a “So you are probably wondering why I asked to meet you”. Or they may probe with a “So what what’s going?”
- Stay high-level at first – “So I’ve been struggling with and unable to stop watching porn (or masturbation or lusting, etc.), and I’ve wondered if you are familiar with that or any similar struggles. Anyway, I’m looking to come clean on these things and looking for some advice and direction on going forward.”
- Allow them to reply.
Here there are really only 2 outcomes
- If they start to share their story, then ask questions: “So what did you do?”, “Are there things you would recommend for me?” Agree with them when they share specifics that match your challenges and start opening up on the details of your struggle. If you’re up for it share how you got here.
- If you realize they are not the person to share with, then feel free to move back to casual conversation with a “Oh ok that’s cool, I had just hoped we could connect on that stuff. If there is anyone you’d recommend or know, let me know. Ask them questions about what they do or their family or are they going any place for summer vacation, etc. 30 mins will fly.
Keep to the 30 mins. Do not ask if it is ok to keep going. Be a respecter of their time. “Well I see that we are at 30 minutes and I want to respect the time.”
Thank them.
If it felt good to you and you’d like to meet with them again, ask: “Would it be ok if I reached out to you again?” They will likely be polite and say sure

Following Up

Now that you’ve had your meeting, connect with them again, through whatever means you originally setup the time to meet, to thank them for their time.

At this point you’ve accomplished your goal, but here are couple of points to think about:

What are your action plans from the conversation – do you join a men’s group, read a book they recommended, etc… Write it down as a to do list, get to it and don’t delay.
If you believe it would be helpful (and it likely is), consider asking them to meet more regularly
- Define how often – once a week, every other, once a month, etc.
- Set a defined time horizon – for the next six weeks, the next 3 months – be specific, it may be that they are only able to commit for a short period of time but not forever. Again this gives both of you an out.
- Allow them to have a say in the planning
- Discuss the agenda or purpose of these meetings: go through a book like, Everyman’s Battle, just a check-in on how you are doing, do a Bible study and pray – whatever it is make sure both folks know the plan
- Be OK with them saying no and don’t judge them for it – just let it go and find someone else

What if it doesn’t work out

So you had the meeting and it doesn’t work out. Maybe they are not interested in meeting with you, or do not want to continue to meet you, or are blowing you off, or they are just not familiar with your kind of struggle, or just don’t know how to help… There are 100s of reasons but,

Don’t get thrown off by this – it’s just not the right person for now
If it’s during the meeting when you realize it’s not working – just have a casual conversation
Some folks do not know how to say ‘No’, so they just don’t respond – it’s ok, try twice and then just let it go

Conclusion

Ok so you want to share your struggle with pornography – like I said earlier, this is an important step in your journey. Here are the things you need to do

Find a person that is gracious, has experienced struggle, understands people struggle, is a good listener and has empathy
Use leaders in your social connections to help identify folks, or identify folks for yourself with these qualities in social media groups you belong to. Or consider paying for a coach.
Make your initial contact – be sure to specify you’re only looking for 30 minutes of their time
Meet the person: be grateful, share what’s going on, ask for their story and recommendations
Follow up with them. Thank them, ask to meet them again, limit the time and intervals, and define the purpose of meeting again
Be ok if it doesn’t work out – sure they might not get back to you or there are other reasons why it didn’t work out; let it go and move on to finding someone else

Well that was a lot of information to take in and I hope it was helpful to see how the process to share your struggle with pornography might go. Take some time to think through your next steps. Feel free to share it below in the comments.👇👇