In this video I am going to discuss how to share your struggle with porn, how to find a person to share it with; the qualities they should have, tips on how the conversation might go and more.
Sharing your struggle is one of the most challenging things you will do in the process of getting free from porn, but I highly recommend it.
It is important to share what’s going on because,
Sharing your story requires lots of courage and doing so will strengthen your resolve
It reduces the allure of doing something that is hidden or in secret, and
It opens the door to future conversations about your struggle by reducing that initial fear and anxiety, which allows both parties to more easily bring up the topic again.
Jay here, on Shackle Road, where I discuss tips, tactics, and routines to help Christian men break free from watching porn for good and to live lives of freedom.
No let’s get started
#1 Identifying the kind of person to share with
There are some qualities to look for in the person you might want to share your porn struggle with.
You should look for someone that
Gracious – has a kind and humble spirit. This person may have a good understanding of their own short-comings and what God has done for them. They express it by sharing that same understanding to others.
An old soul – has an understanding that life is hard at times. This person has had their share of struggle.
Not judgmental – is a person who understands that sometimes people fail or get tripped up by things. Additionally, they have a desire to see people find freedom from these.
A good listener – is someone that is not always jumping in or offering suggestions or trying to fix things – they know how to listen and ask questions.
Are Empathetic – they have the ability to understand where you are coming from and maybe has experienced similar struggles – even if they are not your exact struggles.
Hopefully, after reading this list, you might already have a few folks in mind.
#2 How to go about finding this person
Once you have an idea of the kind of person you are looking for, the next step is finding them.
This can prove challenging depending on how socially connected you are, but before we go into how to find someone to share your porn struggle with, let’s talk about who they should not be
- Your person should not be your spouse or girlfriend. This may prove emotionally challenging for them and may lead to them disliking you because of perceived feelings you wanting videos more than them
- Secondly, and I cannot be more emphatic on this point – the person you’re looking for should be of the same sex as you. Ignoring this is fraught with disaster – don’t do it.
As a note – I am not saying that you should not come clean with your spouse, but that is a completely different thing than finding someone that you can talk to and get help for your struggles.
Ok now that that is out of the way let’s talk about finding the person you can share with.
Talk to a pastor, other church leaders or good friends on social media to get recommendations.
Simply state, “I am looking for someone to share some struggles I am having in my life and I am wondering if there is someone you’d recommend for me. I am not necessarily looking for a long term thing but I would be ok if it worked out that way.”
Some important points here…
- Be clear that you are having a struggle and not just looking for someone to hang out with
- It might be that this person is on your list as a potential, so if they offer to help or ask ‘what’s going on?’ Offer that you could setup 30 minutes with them over coffee or something similar
- If they are not on your list and ask about what’s going on, just simply say, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about it right now; I am more looking for a few recommendations at this point.”
- Lastly, notice that I put the timeframe there. It helps the recommender to find someone if the do have someone to recommend immediately, as asking someone to connect with another person indefinitely can create stress on the person volunteering to help you. Setting a time frame is a benefit to them and to you as it gives you both an out if there is not a mutual desire to continue.
You can use the same strategy if you’re not connected as well social by monitoring things like Facebook groups or Reddits that deal with those who struggle with porn or masturbation, and look for people who tend to show the qualities discussed earlier
Interacting with their content before direct-messaging people – a simple, “Hey man, I really like this post – thanks” is a good approach.
If they engage you back, then engage with a searching question – “I am looking for someone to share some struggles I am having in my life and wondering if we could connect on Zoom or something for 30 minutes to discuss. If not, is there someone you would recommend? I am not looking for a long term thing but I would be ok with it working out that way.”
Notice the same rules of conversation apply.
Lastly, if you are still having difficulties identifying a person, there are paid coaching services available where you can setup a one-on-one call to discuss your struggles and potentially get some advice.
I offer such a service and also recommend another – information regarding these are in the description below
#3 How to make the initial contact
Regardless of how you get connected with the person, here is a model of the initial contact conversation starter
- Introduce yourself – “Hi {their name}, I am {your name}. I’ve been looking for someone to share some stuff that is going on in my life.”
- Tell them how you are connected – “{so and so’s name} recommended that I reach out to you.” or an “I appreciate that you got back to me {from wherever it was – social media or otherwise}.”
- Then make your proposal to meet: “would you be interested in getting together for a 30 minute chat at a coffee shop or over zoom (or however else might work)?” – pick one or more that makes sense for your situation.
If they say no – don’t even give it a second thought – folks are busy and have things going on in their lives and that is ok. Just thank them and move on to another person.
#4 Having the discussion
When it comes time to meet and have the discussion, show up early.
Be happy to meet them and thank them for meeting with you.
It is perfectly fine to have some casual conversation first – so tell them about yourself – where you are from, what you do, about your family life, etc.
Allow them to reply and make connections to what you have said.
Segue (shift) into your struggle – the above conversations should not take more than 10 minutes tops – so do not linger there and squander your opportunity.
Start with a “So, you are probably wondering why I asked to meet with you.” Or they might prob with a “So what’s going on?”
Stay high-level at first – So I’ve been struggling with and unable to stop watching porn (or masturbation or lusting, etc.) and I was wondering if you are familiar with that or any similar types of struggles. Anyway, I am looking to come clean on these types of things and looking for some advice or direction on going forward.”
Allow them the space to reply
Here are two possible outcomes…
- if they start to share their story, then ask questions: “So what did you do?”, “Are there things you would recommend for me?” Agree with them when they share specifics that match your challenges and start opening up on the details of your struggle as well. If you’re up for it, share how you got here.
- If you realized they are not the person to share with (and don’t use this as an excuse to not share, but only if they truly are not the person to share with), then feel free to move back to casual conversation with an “Oh ok that’s cool, I had just hoped we connect on that kind of stuff. If there’s anyone you’d recommend or know – let me know. Then ask them questions about what they do or their family or are they going any place this summer for vacation, etc. 30 mins will fly.
Keep the time to 30 minutes. Do not ask if it is ok to keep going. Be a respecter of their time. Say, “Well I see that we are at 30 minutes and I want to respect the time.”
Then thank them.
If it felt good to you and you think you’d like to meet with them again, then ask: “Would it be ok to reach out to you again?” They will likely be polite and say, “Sure.”
#5 Following up
Now that you’ve had your first meeting, connect with them again – through whatever means you originally setup the time to meet, and thank them again for their time.
At this point you have accomplished your goal, but here are a couple of points to thing about
- What are your action plans from the conversation you had – are you joining a men’s group, reading a book they recommended, etc. Write it down as a to-do list, and get to it right away – do not delay.
- If you believe it would be helpful (and it likely is), consider asking them to meet more regularly, but when you do include the following things:
- Define how often – do you want to meet once a week, every other, once a month, etc.
- Set a defined time horizon – are they up for meeting for the next 6 weeks, the next 3 months – be specific, as it may be that they are only able to commit for a short period of time but not forever. Again this gives you both an out if needed
- Allow them to have a say in the planning – give them several days and times you are available to choose from
- Also discuss the agenda or purpose of getting together – it’s also ok to figure that out at the first meeting – do you want to go through a book, or just do a check-in on how each of you is doing, or do a Bible study and pray – whatever it is make sure both of you know what the plan is and be flexible
- Lastly, be Ok with them saying now. Do not judge them for it – they may just have other priorities or just find it difficult to add another thing to their lives – just let it go and find someone else
#6 What if it doesn’t work out
So you’ve had your meeting and maybe it doesn’t work out.
Maybe they are not interested in meeting with you or do not want to meet again.
Maybe they are blowing you off or they just are not familiar with your kind of struggle or how to help.
There are 100s of reasons, but it’s ok…
Don’t get thrown off by this – they are just not the right person for now
If it’s during the meeting when you realize it’s just not working – just have the casual conversation and move on.
Also, some people struggle with how to say ‘No.’, so they choose not to respond or keep saying they will get back to you – it’s really ok to be ok with it.
Try twice and if it does not work out after that let it go and start looking for someone else.
Let’s put it all together
Find a person that’s gracious, has experience struggles, understands that people struggle and is a empathetic and a good listener- Use yourself, leaders and social media contacts to help identify folks with good qualities to consider or pay for a coach.
- Make your initial contact – be sure to specify you’re only looking for 30 minutes of their time
- Meet the person: be grateful, share what’s going on, ask them their story and recommendations for you
- Follow up with them. Thank them again, and ask if they are interested in meeting again as well. Be sure to define the purpose you are meeting together
- Be ok if it doesn’t work out – sure they might not get back to you or there are other reasons why it didn’t work out – just let that go and move on to finding someone else.
That wraps it up – please Like and subscribe if you found this video helpful
And if there is a topic you’d like me to discuss – leave a comment.
It’s TIME to be free! Go chase it.
